I have been having a really hard time this month...with everything! My thoughts are all over the place, I'm emotional, my stomach has completely popped out into a basketball (already???), and the kids are just being very, very difficult.
I know that we all have hard days, weeks, months, maybe even years....I feel like I've been there. Madisyn was so hard from birth and I remember the sleepless nights, the crying, the praying that came year after year.
And now, she is going to be turning 6 in January and things are still hard. Maybe not as hard as they used to be...she's learned to do things and that has helped. But, it's still hard.
Last night, the kids kept waking up all night long. Madisyn had one of her 'night terrors' where we wouldn't calm down. She kept freaking out about some 'Care Bear' thing - that's all I could understand. Those are the hardest moments for me...when I'm just exhausted and I can't help her...I can't get through to her. It's so hard.
When I finally got her to sleep around 2 am, I climbed in bed and just cried.
Do you ever feel like you just need a break? "When do I get my break?" That was me. Crying, frustrated, sad...wishing that things could just be easier.
That they would sleep through the night.
That they would eat normal food.
That they would obey.
That Madi's attitude would turn around (she's been very rude and snippy lately).
That I could deal with it all.
That I could deal with it all!
Three weeks ago, our church did the Primary program during Sacrament meeting and Madisyn wanted to wear this pretty dress (that she got from her Uncle's Wedding). I watched her up on the stand as she sat there so beautifully...so patient and kind. Singing so reverently and she just looked like a pure angel.
And I know that she is. I know that she is such a special spirit - so beautiful inside and out. I know that she was sent to us for a reason and although I doubt myself and what I am doing for her...I hope that we are doing something right. That we are helping her...somehow.
And selfishly, I hope that things get better. Just one night...please sleep through the night. This pregnant mama is tired and scared...how am I going to do it all when this little baby gets here. Sometimes it is all just too overwhelming.
Venting.
It feels good sometimes.
I tend to hold things in...so here I am throwing it out into the great wide web. Kinda crazy I guess. But I guess I just needed to write it out...get it out of me. :) Thanks for listening. I'm done now! :)