{discovering} life

Patience

I was so tired last night since I had slept so badly the night before. We finally got Madi to bed and I got to bed around 11 p.m. Well, at 11:45 pm, Madi woke up and threw one of her terrible fits. She cried and cried. It's like she is half asleep and you just can't communicate with her or help her in any way. It's so hard. After us both trying for quite awhile, I just came back into bed and cried. When I'm exhausted and just so tired, it's so hard to have patience. It's so hard to know how to help her. What am I suppose to do? I try to hold her and she hits and kicks. I try to talk to her and she just screams. I don't know how to help her. It's times like these that I think she needs more help than we can give her -- but where -- how? We need help too - how do we deal with these type of situations. I just don't know where to turn. It's so frustrating and so hard.

Over an hour later, she finally calmed down. Some milk and she had to hold two animal cookies with sprinkles and I had to cuddle with her - she later fell asleep. What a night. So, I still haven't got much sleep. Oh well - so is life I guess.

I really want to run to the scrapbook store today although I need absolutely nothing. I think I'll also go into Ryan's work since I didn't make it there yesterday. I've got to finish some assignments first and then I'll go.

Another day - hope it's a good one! (:

Perchance to sleep...

I could not sleep last night! I hate it when that happens. I have a bunch of scrappin' assignments I need to get done by Tuesday, but I only stayed up till 10:15 and then headed to bed. Once I got there though, my mind would not stop thinking! I used to have serious problems going to sleep, but in the past two years, it's been getting better. This only happens once in awhile.

So, I started thinking about CKU Masters - bad timing to start on that one. Making Memories has asked me to teach all the classes and 'Shake Up Your Style' workshop there and I'm nervous! They have such wonderful teachers (hello, Mrs. Margie is incredible and so stinkin' fun), that I hope people that come will have a blast and enjoy it! I thought about the project, introductions, what to say, what to wear - shut up already mind! LOL!

Then, I thought about my kids, my hubby...then Hudson woke up, got him back to sleep, back in bed, all cuddly and warm...then Madi woke up, help get her back to sleep...lightly kick hubby for sleeping so hard...and the battle goes on. I think I didn't fall asleep until 2 am - and then Hudson woke up shortly after again. What a cruddy night!

So, I'm feeling a little dreary today, but lots to do! I've got to finish up all these assignments today and I want to try to take Madi to the park. Ryan wants me to come into his new office today and meet the other two guys he's working with - so I'll take the kids and I in there to say hello. Maybe stop at the scrapbook store to see what's new! Always love doing that!

Last night, I also had a horrible dream. I was with Madi somewhere and we were sitting on these elegant stairs - way high up on the top stair and there wasn't a back to it - just air to the floor - way down there. Anyway, we stood up to leave and I had a thought to tell her not to move - I'd help her, but it was too late - she fell down the back of the stairs and died. I woke up in a sweat just wanting to cry! Why do I have to have such horrible dreams sometimes? This morning as I held her, I just cried. I'm so thankful for my kids. I just prayed as I held her that nothing would ever happen to her. I feel so bad because sometimes she is so difficult that I loose my patience with her and get upset easily - but I love her more than anything and wouldn't trade her for a thing! My dream broke my heart and I still can't shake it from my mind. Yuck!

Hudson's birthday party was a blast! We had family here and just had a great time! It was fun to have my parents here - it was the first time my Dad has seen our house so it was fun for me! I still can't believe he's one - and just walking everywhere now! With those little falls on his chubba diaper bum - I love it!

Well, off to get busy I guess. Scrappin' is calling me....

Hugs!

Happy Birthday Hudson!

Today is my little boy's birthday! He's turning 1 years old! I can't believe it! The time has gone by so fast, and yet so slow. I've loved every minute of his little life thus far! He is the sweetest little boy! So calm, so easy going and sooo fun and stinkin' cute! I can't get enough of his little chubs!! He starting taking some steps last month, but just in the past three days has he really got the hang of it. He'll let go of the couch and just go...it's so cute! But, as I look at him and hold him, I see that change...that change from baby to little boy. He doesn't so much 'look' like a baby anymore - it makes me a bit sad. It was so fun for me! I know there are many more great things to come and I'm looking forward to another year, I just hope it doesn't go by so fast!

I've been racing from here to there to get things ready for his party today. My parents came down from SLC and the in-laws and my sister and her family are also coming over. It should be fun! I got things to barbeque and cake, presents, etc. Madi is more excited about the cake than anyone - go figure!

So, off to finish getting things done! Talk soon!

Children are so easy!

NOT! Who ever started that myth was crazy! As a child, I loved children and had a special way of connecting with them. Everyone in my family said that I was going to be such an incredible mom and have tons of kids - I too thought I would.

I got married and we waited three years before we started to try to get pregnant. Well, it took us much longer than we thought. After trial after trial, tests and ultimately a surgery, I was finally pregnant and sooo thrilled! Madisyn Jade joined our little family in January 2002 and we were thrilled. Once we got her home, it was hard - so hard! Why didn't anyone tell me that having a baby was more than cute clothes and blankets (that I had hoarded)? Madi had a hard time nursing, eating, sleeping, resting, be happy ... just about everything. She was darling and the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen, but boy, it was hard! As time went on, we continued to struggle with certain aspects of her life, until she was finally diagnosed with Autism when she was 2 1/2 years old.

When we found out, I had just had Hudson...boy did we have our hands full. I always wanted a lot of kids to fill our home with joy! But, I don't know about that dream anymore. Ryan and I have so little time for eachother - we never spend time together and it's hard on our relationship. Madi takes so much from us and is often up till 10pm or later - often till midnight. When do we get a break? I am struggling with balance - with balance of my life (scrapbooking, health, etc.), keeping the house together, raising two kids, keeping hubby happy and so much more. It's amazing all the things that need to be squeezed into one day!

I wish it was easier! Although I wouldn't trade my children (and what comes with them) for a thing - sometimes I just wish it was easier to handle -  not so hard! Am I selfish to think that? Possibly - but, it's still hard! (:

Enough of my ramblings...I've got to get to the grocery store. I tried to get Hudson on whole milk and he's having a yucky rash all over his bum - so off to get more formula. Don't quite know what to do about that? Plus, it's his 1 Year Birthday on Saturday and we are having fam over for a barbeque and party. I got to get ready - plus clean the house, finish up a scrapbooking assignment and get myself ready for the day! Geez...better get busy!

Hugs!

I am alive!

Geez! After 18 days of not having email, I am finally set up here in our new home. I don't know how I lived without it - it seems like my life line. And now, once again, I feel connected. I spent about the whole day online...browsing Two Peas, reading other's incredible blogs, shopping for scrappin' supplies and just browsing anything I could. I am happy!

I love our new home. It feels like a home, a permament home. For the past years, we have moved from here to there with always something ahead of us, something we were working towards. And now, we are there. It feels good. It feels good to be in a home that we love and that we know we won't be leaving in two years or less. We can actually paint the walls (which I've already done) and we can upgrade and enjoy it. I'm finishing up my scrapbook room and I absolutely love it! I feel selfish that I'm getting my own room, but I'll be honest, I really love it. It's so cute, so me! I'll post picts soon!

Well, my hubby just came home and feels that he may have a body flu! Yuck! So, better go help! I'll post daily - I'm excited to get back and in to this more.

Thanks for reading. Hugs!

Happiness

Simple things make me happy...like this cool website that is being passed from blog to blog http://metaatem.net/words. I love letters - I hoard letters. My house is filled with w, r, m, h and I just keep collecting them. What is my fascination with letters? I've loved them and collected them before I was married - which seems like eons ago.

Well, another thing brought me happiness this weekend. Yesterday, I called the Memories Outlet and they had just received the new idea book from Making Memories, Paper Cachet. http://www.makingmemories.com/ I couldn't believe it. I threw the kids in the car and drove 25 minutes to get there - I had to have it, right now. Making Memories contacted me in December to do some items for this book and it is my first official book publication with Making Memories. The drive was long, my heart was beating and once I had that beautiful book in my hands, I was so excited! I thumbed through page by page and devoured everyone's incredible work. WOW! What an incredible team! This book is just amazing - so many ideas and diverse styles - I just love Making Memories! It was exciting to see my projects in their book - it's always been my dream to work for them and now I am. I still don't understand how I was so blessed to have been contacted by them and to be working with them on so many projects. Truly, a dream come true.

So, today is the last day at my parents. Tomorrow morning I will leave and drive to Southern Utah (about 4 hours - longer with breaks with the kids) and pull up to our new home that I still haven't even seen in person, only in pictures. Madi is still having a hard time. She keeps saying that she wants to go home and it's hard to help her understand what is happening. My Dad offered this morning to have mom drive down with me and then he would fly her back Tuesday morning - they have an important event that night. I'm so grateful! It'll be so hard driving down there with them alone and now with my mom's help, I know I'll be able to get through it.

I want to help clean up the house today and finish packing everything up that I have here. I need to stuff my car tonight so I"ll be ready to go in the morning. I won't have email until Thursday at my new house - I think I'll die! Email is such a part of me...but it'll give me no excuses to not get things unpacked - and I need to focus on that. Anyway, talk soon! Have a great week!

The Beginning

This post marks the beginning of many things: my new typepad journal, a new home, new area, and new adventures, discoveries and things to come. We are embarking on a dream...one that we've had for a long time and it's finally arrived. I still have to pinch myself when I realized that it's really here. Today, I am sitting at my parents house with my two kids, waiting to move to Southern Utah this weekend. Ryan, with his dad and all the U-Hauls, are just now heading out to get down to our new home. It has been a hectic week of packing and loading and trying to deal with the kids at the same time. To say the least, I'm exhausted, and I'm sure Ryan is too!

Last night was such a hard night. I left with Madi to take Ryan and his dad dinner at our 'old' house and she fell asleep in the car. An hour later, we got back to my parents and she woke crying...and she didn't stop for 3 1/2 hours. I was so tired and at my whits end! My parents were trying to help calm her, make her comfortable, but all she kept saying was, "I want to go home." It just brought tears to my eyes. My daughter has high-functioning autism and transitions are very hard for her. How do you explain to a 3 year old that 'that home' isn't home anymore? That we are moving to a new home, leaving her school, friends and most of all, her Grami and Pa. I'm so sad by all of this and yet excited for all that is to come. We have a great opportunity, have bought a beautiful home and I just pray that sweet little Madi will be able to transition and adjust and be happy!

So, after a horrible nights sleep dealing with Madi and Hudson both waking through the night, I'm up and trying to get going for the day. Last night as I laid in bed, I thought about starting a weblog and get my thoughts down on 'paper' and hopefully help others with children with autism. Today as I write, none of this is coming out eloquently or in 'deep' thought and great words; I guess I'm just tired. But, I'm starting...starting to keep a journal of thoughts, favorites and all that comes along with discovering life. It will continue to be a journey of learning and growth, trials and tears, but I'm here for the long hual and ready...ready to go!